“And Now for Something Completely Ridiculous”
Monty Python
Ah, the joys of Modern Maturity…
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can't think of a word, just say, “I forgot the English word for it”. That way people will think you are bilingual instead of an idiot.
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
My goal for this year was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I may not be that funny, athletic, good-looking, smart, or talented but … I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being old, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It's weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter either.
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to stand back up.
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I’m not really bothered anymore.
If walking is good for your health, then the mailman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, hops all day and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered.
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1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with blueberries and muesli.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the tree.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses... They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after."
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you!?